Ethnic Drinks

The Italian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have wine.”
The Mexican says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have tequila.”
The Scot says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have Scotch.”
The Swede says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit.”
The Japanese says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have sake.”
The Russian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.”
The German says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have beer.”
The Greek says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo.”
The Jew says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.”

The Shift key FAQ

Funny Computer Jokes

The Shiftkey FAQ
Q: My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?
A: Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.


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Q: What happens if I press both shift keys?
A: Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.


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Q: my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation
A: Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also consider replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with lower case expressions; replace ? with "huh" and ! with "zowie".


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Q: I PRESSED SHIFT AND IT"S STUCK DOWN NOW
A: Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation. First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a handheld blowdryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to clean the lint screen when you are finished.


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Q:Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys labelled "hif"?
A:Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your hands more frequently for that matter.


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Q:Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?
A:Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labelled with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it.


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Q:I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is there any other way to do this?
A:This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equippped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word "shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.


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Q:There are two shift keys, which should I use?
A:Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.


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Q:Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?
A:They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!


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Q: If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my computer explode?
A: No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.


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Q: No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem to work. What's wrong?
A: Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard, the problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation of these keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path of righteousness. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life. Before rushing blindly ahead with a lot of shifting, consult the spiritual advisor of your choice for help in dealing with any unresolved issues in your relationship with the Almighty.

The Microsoft Cafe

Funny Computer Jokes

Customer: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Customer: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Customer: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Customer: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Customer: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Customer: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Customer: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Customer: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Customer: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Customer: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running late now.

[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Customer: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Customer: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[Waiter leaves.]

Customer: Waiter! Now there's a mosquito in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $ 5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $ 2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $10.00
Editors Note: Bug in the soup........included at no extra charge (will be fixed with Tomorrow's soup of the day)

Computer Breasts

Funny Computer Jokes

(o)(o) perfect breasts
( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) high nipple breasts
(@)(@) big nipple breasts
oo A cups
{ O }{ O } D cups
()() cold breasts
(o)(O) lopsided breasts
(Q)(O) pierced breasts
(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts
(:o)(o) bitten by a vampire breasts
\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts
( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts
< o >< o > electric shock breasts
|o||o| android breasts
(/)(o) scratched breasts (ouch)
(%)(o) extra nipple breasts (like Chandler)
($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts
(^o)(o) zit on your breast
( o Y o ) poses for SCORE magazine breasts .

Email Commandments

E-MAIL COMMANDMENTS

Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.

Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.

Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before sendest it.

Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.

Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.

Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE all CAPS.

Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.

Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of email, especially from work.

Thou shalt not use email for any illegal or unethical purpose.

When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.

And, the Golden Rule of email:
That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

Funny Excuses By Kids

Funny Excuses By Kids :

I didn’t do it because I didn’t want to add to MY TEACHER’S already heavy workload.

I made a paper plane out of it and it got hijacked.

I put it in a safe, but lost the combination.

Some aliens from outer space borrowed it so they could study how the human brain worked.

I loaned it to a friend, but he suddenly moved away.

I left it in my shirt and my mother put the shirt for washing.

My little sister ate it.

A sudden wind blew it out of my hand and I never saw it again.

I was kidnapped by terrorists and they only just let me go, so I didn’t have time to do it.

The lights in our house went out, and I had to burn it to get enough light to see the fuse box.

Another pupil fell in a lake, and I jumped in to rescue him but unfortunately my homework drown.

I used it to fill a hole in my shoe, you wouldn’t want it now.

My father had a nervous breakdown and he cut it up to make paper dolls.

I didn’t do it, because I didn’t want the other kids in the class to look bad.

FunnyJunk Poem | I want you

FunnyJunk Poem - I want you
What I have to say is straight from the heart

You may not have known it yet

But i have loved you from the start

From the moment our eyes first met

I wanted to get to know you

Please believe everything I say

These feelings are so true

I hope you feel the same way

It’s time to make it official

Let’s be together

I don’t know how far we’ll go

But I hope it last forever.

FunnyJunk Ball

This funnyjunk Ball is actually a friendship ball.

Stupid questions | Answers

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends…
Stupid Question:-
Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:-
Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on
your feet…
Stupid Question:-
Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-
No, not at all, I’m on local anesthesia…..why don’t you try again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask…
Stupid Question:-
Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:-
Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:-
Is ! the “Butter Paneer Masala” dish good??
Answer:-
No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also
spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after
years…
Stupid Question:-
Munna, Chickoo, you’ve become so big.
Answer:-
Well you haven’t particularly shrunk yours..

Funny Sarcastic Quotes

Funny Sarcastic Quotes Sayings and Quotations Collection

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

I’m smiling. This should scare you.

The universe is laughing behind your back.

Nothing is more discouraging than unappreciated sarcasm.

If you’re one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Blows are sarcasms turned stupid.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

I’m not sure what’s wrong… But it’s probably your fault.

This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.

The world will end tomorrow (unless postponed by rain).

I never admit or deny anything it makes me more interesting.

By the time you read this you’ve already read it.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

By the time you read this you’ve already read it.

Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much. You’re not that good.

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

GCSE Exam Answers

FunnyJunk GCSE Exam Answers Collection

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible,Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand.". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of river to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

True Funny Exam Answers

True Funny Exam Answers Collection
It's hard to believe these exam answers are true, I know standards are slipping but...

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Presumably also the inspiration of Vivaldi (don't forget the Ketchup)


Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be
made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.


Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.


Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.


Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.


Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.


Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.


TECHNOLOGY
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

(to keep him cool in the desert ?)


RELIGION
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

Funny Science Exam Answers

Funny Science Exam Answers Collection
# When you breath, you inspire. When you don't breath, you expire.
# The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
# A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
# When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
# For head colds, use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops into your throat.
# The moon is a planet just like Earth, only deader.
# Artificial insemination is what the farmer does to the cow instead of the bull.
# Dew is formed on leaves when sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
# To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
# Equator: A managerie lion running around Earth through Africa.
# To remove dust from your eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
# Momentum. What you give a person when they are going away.
# Nitrogen is not found in Ireland, because it is not found in a free state.
# Magnet: Something you can find crawling over a dead cat.
# H20 is hot water. CO2 is cold water.
# Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
# Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
# Respiration is composed of inspiration and then expectoration.
# For a nosebleed: Put the nose lower than the body until the heart stops.
# To prevent contraception use a condominium.
# Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

Funny Junk Joke | Electric Train

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Funny Phrases | Phrases

Funny Phrases Collection

He's got a head balder than a baby's arse.

He's got the dress sense of an Oxfam model.

He's got a nose like a blind carpenter's thumb.

Last time I saw a face like that it was hanging at the Hunter's Lodge.

As much use as a trap door on a lifeboat

It's colder than a penguin's bollocks

She's got a face like a picture - it needs hanging

You've got about as much chance as finding a vegetarian pit bull terrier

She's had more pricks than a second hand dartboard

As rare as a Blonde virgin

I've seen more hair on a billiard ball

He's as camp as a row of tents

I've seen better teeth on a worn out gear box

They call her 'The radio station' cuz she's so easy to pick up

As useful as a grave robber in a crematorium

You could park a bike on that bum

He's as red as an overdrawn account at the local blood bank

He's got a face as long as an undertakers tapemeasure

Whiter than a pair of Snow White's knickers

About as innocent as a Nun doing pressups in a Cucumber field.

As much use as a one legged man at an arse kicking competition

She's angrier than a Bear with a sore head

She's dressed up like a Dogs dinner

About as useful as a Condom vending machine in the Vatican.

He's that useless he couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery

She's been up and down more times than a whore's drawers

She's been engaged more times than a telephone switchboard!

He's tighter than a photo finish.

Lawyer at the Pearly Gates

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it.” The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, “How many people died on the ship?” Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, “About 1,500.” “That’s right! You may enter.”

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. “Name them.”

The Limo

The Pope was getting into his limo one night when he turned to the limo driver and said, “Before I die, I would love to drive this beautiful limo just once.”

“Well, here,” the limo driver says, “Take the wheel, Your Holiness”

Further down the road, the limo is stopped by a policeman who looks in the window, goes back to his squad car, calls dispatch and says, “I just pulled over someone real important and I don’t know what to do.”

“Well, who is it?” his dispatcher says, “The mayor? The governor? The president?”

“I don’t know,” the officer responds, “but the Pope’s his chauffeur”

A Letter to Rudolph

Dear Husband, It is time that I must have my say,
I've taken your shit day after day.
I've kept the home peaceful year after year
Now there is going to be changes, so listen my dear.

So you're famous, everyone knows your name,
And you're a specialist by gum, in the transport game,
You think you're so grand with your important job.
But I'm telling you my dear you're a worn out old yob

363 days a year,
You sit on your arse drinking scotch, rum and beer,
You claim it is to keep up the shine on your nose
So Santa can see where he bloodywell goes.

One night a year is all that you work,
You and your eight reisty mates - they're all jerks.
Dasher and Dancer - Speed freaks I say,
The sleigh wouldn't go that quick any other way.
Prancer and Vixen - Just cheap little tarts,
But they look like angels once Comet starts.

Cupids on some freaked out damned power trip,
And Donner...well, she should just get a damned grip
And Blitzen, I almost don't need to say,
Is here getting blitzed with you every day.

All of these years at the front of the sled,
Has gone, I'm afraid, to your crusty old head.
You're a layabout and a drunkard, with a big shiny nose,
And a weakness for elves in black pantyhose.

I'm telling you husband that one Christmas song,
Has made you think that you can do no wrong.
So this year while your out with old Santa's sled,
I am eloping, my dear, with your friend - Mr. Ed

Funny Riddles 1

Funny Riddles Collection

How many bricks does it take to complete a building made of brick?
Only one, the last one.

What is everything to someone, and nothing to everyone else?
Your mind.

Big as a biscuit, deep as a cup, even a river can’t fill it up. What is it?
A kitchen strainer.


What goes up and never comes down?
Your age.

What’s the greatest worldwide use of cowhide?
To cover cows.

What has feet and legs, and nothing else?
Stockings

What grows when it eats, but dies when it drinks?
A candle.

What stays where it is when it goes off?
An alarm clock

You heard me before, yet you hear me again. Then I die, ’til you call me again. What am I?
An echo

There is a man standing over a dead body in a coffin, and another man walks in and asks, who’s in the coffin. The first man replies, brothers and sisters, I have none, but this man’s father is my fathers son. Who’s in the coffin?
His son

There are 2 guards. One tells the truth and one lies. There are also 2 doors. One leads to Heaven and the other leads to the devils playground. One guard is in front of each door. You can only ask the guards ONE question and you have to ask the same question to both guards. What you are trying to find out is which door leads to Heaven and which door leads to the devil’s playground.
Ask each one “What will the other one say is the door to heaven?” They should answer the same. Go in the opposite door they say.

Two boxers are in a boxing match (regular boxing, not kick boxing). The fight is scheduled for 12 rounds but ends after 6 rounds, after one boxer knocks out the other boxer. Yet no man throws a punch. How is this possible?
They were women boxing.

A farmer had seventeen sheep, all but nine died, how many did he have left?
9

A man builds a house with all 4 sides facing south. A bear walks past the house. What color is the bear?
Probably a white Polar Bear in the North Pole.

A skin have I, more eyes than one. I can be very nice when I am done. What am I?
A potato

Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth?
Mt.Everest

Can a man legally marry his widow’s sister in the state of California?
No, he’s dead

Clara Clatter was born on December 27th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
She lived in the southern hemisphere.

He has married many women, but has never been married. Who is he?
A preacher.

How many of each animal did Moses take on the ark?
Moses didnt make the ark, Noah did.

How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25?
Once, because after you subtract it’s not 25 anymore.

How much dirt is in a hole 4 feet deep and 2 feet wide?
There is no dirt in a hole.

I know a word of letters three, add two and fewer there will be.
Few

If a rooster laid a brown egg and a white egg, what kind of chicks would hatch?
Roosters don’t lay eggs.

If two’s company and three’s a crowd, what are four and five?
9

If you were in a dark room with a candle, a woodstove, a match and a gas lamp which do you light first?
The match