Grandma’s Boyfriend

A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend?”
Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long.
The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I’m really happy with the TV as my boyfriend.” Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the
TV, hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the
door, and there stood a man.
The man said, “Hello, son, is your grandma home?”
The little boy replied, “Yeah, but she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her
boyfriend.”
Grandma’s minister fainted.

Two Hunters

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: “Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, “OK, now what?”

Help Wanted

A local business looking for office help put a sign in the window saying: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time later, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, since the dog looked determined, he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager, who said, “I can’t hire you. You have to be able to type.”

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and typed out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him and then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then reminded the dog, “the sign says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. He then demonstrated his expertise with various programs, producing a sample spreadsheet and database which he presented to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign. he put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. “Yes,” the manager said, “but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked him straight in the face, and said, “Meow.”

Good Excuse

A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on Highway 2 for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 140 km/h, he suddenly saw red and blue flashing lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 150, 160...

Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in the world am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day," said the cop. "This is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Funny Junk Joke | Electric Train

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Lawyer at the Pearly Gates

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it.” The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, “How many people died on the ship?” Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, “About 1,500.” “That’s right! You may enter.”

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. “Name them.”

Who's got the world's tastiest water?

BERKELEY SPRINGS, W.Va. — For the third time in four years, the northwest Ohio town of Montpelier can claim bragging rights to the world's tastiest tap water.

The village of 4,200 near the Michigan state line has won the Best Municipal Water category, repeating 2003 and 2006 victories at the annual Berkeley Springs International Water Tasting.

Only one other community, Atlantic City, N.J., has had back-to-back victories in the same category, claiming gold in 1993 and 1994.

Second, third and fourth places this year went to three towns in British Columbia — Clearbrook, Elkford and Campbell River, respectively.

The Metropolitan Water District of Southern California, a former gold medal winner, came in fifth among 32 entries from 13 states and three Canadian provinces, event producer Jill Klein Rone said Tuesday.

More than 100 waters from 23 U.S. states and 11 countries were judged in various categories at the weekend tasting competition.

Accused Robber Gets Robbed!

FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. (AP) - February 28, 2007 - - Police in North Carolina say a man who robbed a Fayetteville bank wound up being a robbery victim himself.

A police spokeswoman says once officers arrested the suspect a Fayetteville motel, he went to his room to show them the money. That's when he discovered some of it was missing.

Police later charged a motel maintenance man with breaking into the room and taking some of the cash.

The bank robbery suspect had just been released from prison last month after serving time for robbing the same bank in 2005.

Good Joke

Please read all!

1.Start at LondonHeathrowAirport.

2.Catch flight from London Heathrow to DallasFort WorthAirport.

3.Hire car at DallasFort WorthAirport.

4.Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" follow for 0.2 miles.

5.Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for0.3miles

6.Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North AirportExit" -follow for 2.9 miles

7.Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2miles

8.Then continue on "US287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles

9."US287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles

10.Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0 miles

11."US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles

12.Continue to follow "US287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles

13.Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8 miles

14.Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5 miles

15.Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7 miles

16.Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1 miles

17.Arrive at the centre of town.

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Now that's the fu#&ing way to Amarillo!

SO CAN EVERYONE STOP SINGING IT NOW . . . . .

TWO PSYCHIATRISTS

Two psychiatrists are walking down the hall. One says to the other, "I noticed myself committing an interesting Freudian slip today. I was having breakfast with my mother, and meant to say, "please pass the salt. Instead, I said, "You ruined my life, you bitch!"

Famous Rare Jokes

Huge Collection of Famous Rare Jokes
Arnie Sworn In
Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in today as the new governor of California. He gave his solemn oath that he would crush his enemies, see them driven before him, and hear the lamentations of the women.


Bad day for Max Factor
Cosmetics heir and fugitive rapist Andrew Luster, great-grandson of makeup legend Max Factor, was captured in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico yesterday by a bounty hunter. Luster had jumped a $1 million bail and fled the US during his trial for drugging and then raping three women. He was sentenced to 124 years in prison, a sentence he began serving today.

The rest of the Factor family was said to be in hiding, avoiding all contact with the press, deeply embarrassed by having such a bad heir day.


WASHINGTON D.C. (REUTERS)
Early this morning a devastating fire burned down the personal library of President George W. Bush. Tragically, both books were lost in the conflagration. More poignantly, The President, due to his hectic schedule, had not found time to color in the second one.