tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-60127169417315909452024-03-05T13:25:42.186+05:30Funny JunkBhavneshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01172085069887244679noreply@blogger.comBlogger422125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012716941731590945.post-14220833715970683952008-02-06T10:06:00.001+05:302008-02-06T10:06:48.485+05:30Unlocking Your CarTwo blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:Blonde One: I can’t seem to get this door unlocked!Blonde Two: Well, you’d better hurry up and try harder! it’s starting to rain, and the top is down!Bhavneshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01172085069887244679noreply@blogger.com73tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012716941731590945.post-79127230570124879102008-02-06T10:05:00.000+05:302008-02-06T10:06:08.167+05:30Your kid has been kidnappedA blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, “I’ve kidnapped you.”She then wrote a big note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde.” The blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”Bhavneshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01172085069887244679noreply@blogger.com280tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012716941731590945.post-91400260150655910732008-02-05T18:25:00.000+05:302008-02-05T18:27:30.376+05:30Blonde and The Coke MachineThis blonde was at a coke machine and and put her change in and mashed a button and out comes a drink. So she puts some more change in and pushed another button and out comes a drink. She keeps putting change in and pushing buttons and getting drinks. Here comes a man and asks the blonde if she is gonna be through at this machine any time soon and she responded" I'm not gonna quit until I stop winning."Bhavneshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01172085069887244679noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012716941731590945.post-37174538257314531452007-12-29T08:40:00.001+05:302007-12-29T08:40:34.537+05:30Blonde Microsoft UserA blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, “I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.”<br /><br />The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing.<br /><br />Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.<br /><br />The blonde promptly replies, “Seventeen inches.”<br /><br />“Seventeen inches?” asked the salesman. “That sounds very small — what room are they for?”<br /><br />The blonde tells him that they aren’t for a room, but they are for her computer monitor.<br /><br />The surprised salesman replies, “But miss, computers do not need curtains!”<br /><br />The blond says, “Hellllooooooooo? — I’ve got Windoooooows?”Bhavneshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01172085069887244679noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012716941731590945.post-78727682158547703372007-12-23T13:05:00.000+05:302007-12-23T13:06:08.078+05:30Marital AdviceA man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”<br /><br />The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”<br /><br />“My wife is poisoning me.”<br /><br />The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “Are you sure? Why would she do such a thing?”<br /><br />The man then pleads, “I don’t know why, but I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me. What should I do?”<br /><br />The Rabbi thinks a bit, then says, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”<br /><br />A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke with your wife. I called her and we talked on the phone for 3 hours.<br />You want my advice?”<br /><br />“Yes, yes, of course.” said the man.<br /><br />The Rabbi replied, “Take the poison.”Bhavneshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01172085069887244679noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012716941731590945.post-55388737217192491882007-12-20T21:47:00.000+05:302007-12-20T21:50:18.332+05:30Low in CaloriesMy friends and I had joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar. “What are the attributes of this apple,” she asked, “and how do they relate to our diet?” “Low in calories” and “lots of fiber” were among the answers.<br /><br />She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, “Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid seventy-five cents for this candy bar?” We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat.<br /><br />From the back of the room a small voice spoke up: “I’ll give you a dollar for it.”Bhavneshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01172085069887244679noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012716941731590945.post-65150455605620074712007-12-20T21:33:00.000+05:302007-12-20T21:46:41.544+05:30Ethnic DrinksThe Italian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have wine.”<br />The Mexican says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have tequila.”<br />The Scot says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have Scotch.”<br />The Swede says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit.”<br />The Japanese says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have sake.”<br />The Russian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.”<br />The German says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have beer.”<br />The Greek says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo.”<br />The Jew says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.”Bhavneshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01172085069887244679noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012716941731590945.post-26629593402827122562007-11-16T17:33:00.001+05:302007-11-16T17:33:44.822+05:30Merry Christmas Day OnelinersQ. What’s red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?<br />A. Sandy Claws.<br /><br />Q. Why does Santa have 3 gardens?<br />A. So he can ho-ho-ho.<br /><br />Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?<br />A. Frostbite.<br /><br />Q. Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?<br />A. Because he had low elf esteem.<br /><br />Q. What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?<br />A. Ribbon hood.<br /><br />Q. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?<br />A. Claustrophobic.<br /><br />Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?<br />A. Snowflakes.<br /><br />Q. Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet od handkerchiefs for Christmas?<br />A. She said “I could not work out what size her nose was!<br /><br />Q. What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?<br />A. It was wound up already.<br /><br />Q. What was wrong with the boy’s brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?<br />A. Forty feet of track - all straight!Bhavneshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01172085069887244679noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012716941731590945.post-46521577003809751382007-11-16T17:31:00.000+05:302007-11-16T17:32:56.553+05:30Two TouristsTwo tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing.”Bhavneshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01172085069887244679noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012716941731590945.post-29276228671473477762007-08-04T19:39:00.000+05:302007-08-04T19:40:19.557+05:30Grandma’s BoyfriendA 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend?”<br />Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my<br />bedroom and watch it all day long.<br />The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I’m really happy with the TV as my boyfriend.” Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the<br />TV, hoping to fix the problem.<br />The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the<br />door, and there stood a man.<br />The man said, “Hello, son, is your grandma home?”<br />The little boy replied, “Yeah, but she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her<br />boyfriend.”<br />Grandma’s minister fainted.Bhavneshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01172085069887244679noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012716941731590945.post-8340512558262042782007-07-19T10:59:00.000+05:302007-07-19T11:01:03.391+05:30Two HuntersTwo hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.<br /><br />He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: “Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.<br /><br />Back on the phone, the hunter says, “OK, now what?”Bhavneshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01172085069887244679noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012716941731590945.post-14539916536147115022007-07-16T13:17:00.000+05:302007-07-16T13:19:48.817+05:30Help WantedA local business looking for office help put a sign in the window saying: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.” <br /><br />A short time later, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, since the dog looked determined, he led him into the office.<br /><br />Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager, who said, “I can’t hire you. You have to be able to type.” <br /><br />The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and typed out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him and then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then reminded the dog, “the sign says you have to be good with a computer.” <br /><br />The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. He then demonstrated his expertise with various programs, producing a sample spreadsheet and database which he presented to the manager. <br /><br />By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.” <br /><br />The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign. he put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. “Yes,” the manager said, “but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.” <br /><br />The dog looked him straight in the face, and said, “Meow.”Bhavneshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01172085069887244679noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012716941731590945.post-30291317971300178392007-07-14T15:48:00.001+05:302007-07-14T15:48:48.228+05:30College FinalsAt Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. <br /><br />These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. <br /><br />Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. <br /><br />The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. <br /><br />They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. <br /><br />On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?Bhavneshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01172085069887244679noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012716941731590945.post-2578829434012224912007-07-14T15:44:00.000+05:302007-07-14T15:48:05.226+05:30Good ExcuseA guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on Highway 2 for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. <br /><br />As the needle jumped up to 140 km/h, he suddenly saw red and blue flashing lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 150, 160... <br /><br />Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in the world am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day," said the cop. "This is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." <br /><br />The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." <br /><br />"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.Bhavneshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01172085069887244679noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012716941731590945.post-34368448960073665542007-07-08T10:14:00.000+05:302007-07-08T10:15:05.340+05:30Intelligent BarberA barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, “you do God’s work.” The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.<br /><br />A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, “you protect the public.” The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.<br /><br />A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, “you serve the justice system.” The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.Bhavneshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01172085069887244679noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012716941731590945.post-16268097284735465292007-07-08T10:13:00.000+05:302007-08-04T11:27:33.948+05:30Stupid Things1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time…. I know where my watch is pal, where is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?<br /><br />2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.<br /><br />3. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. What good is cake if you can’t eat it?<br /><br />4. When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this?<br /><br />5. When people say, while watching a film, “Did you see that?”. No, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.<br /><br />6. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did you?<br /><br />7. When something is “new and improved!”…Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn’t be new.<br /><br />8. When people say “life is short”. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever experiences!! What can you do that’s longer?<br /><br />9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?Bhavneshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01172085069887244679noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012716941731590945.post-89697497546239703652007-07-07T10:02:00.000+05:302007-07-07T10:03:33.152+05:30Mind ReaderTry to take this test mentally.<br />Dont write anything down .<br /><br />1) Pick a number from 2-9.It can be 2, 9 or anything inbetween.<br />2) Take that number, and multiply it by 9.<br />3) That should give you a two digit number. Take those two digits and add them together<br />4) Take the resulting number and subtract 5 from it<br />5) Take that number and correspond it to the alphabet, numbering the letters A=1,B=2,C=3 and so on…<br />6) Take your letter, and think of a country that begins with that letter<br />7) Take the last letter in the name of that country, and think of an animal that starts with this letter<br /> Now, take the last letter in the name of that animal, and think of a color that starts with this letter<br /><br /><strong>Note :</strong> There are no Orange Kangaroos in Denmark ….Bhavneshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01172085069887244679noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012716941731590945.post-75464491868125013272007-07-07T10:00:00.000+05:302007-07-07T10:02:20.996+05:30Rabbit From Silks<strong>Note :</strong> It is a good trick. You can replace the rabbit with something else if you want.<br /><br /><strong>Effect :</strong> A live rabbit appears inside a bundle of large silks.<br /><br /><strong>Magic Secret :</strong> Take one silk, and lay it down flat. Then take a rabbit and put it in the center of the silk. Then tie two corners of it together, and hang the knot on a nail that is nailed on the back of your magic table, or put the bundle in a servante. Then, to present the trick, show about 5 silks empty, and count them onto the table. Then, when you pick them up, hook your thumb under the knot of the silk hanging behind the table, and carry it up behind the silks. Then walk to the front of the table, closer to the audience, and produce the rabbit. You will find that the rabbit will easily come out the side of the handkerchief it was tied in…Bhavneshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01172085069887244679noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012716941731590945.post-20113500224752571962007-07-06T12:54:00.000+05:302008-02-07T21:46:18.093+05:30Computer QuotesUNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity. <br /><br />The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there’s no law against whacking them around a bit. <br /><br />Q: What is the difference between Windows 95 and Windows 98? A: 3 years <br /><br />Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. <br /><br />Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. <br /><br />Q: How does Bill Gates screw in a lightbulb?<br />A: He doesn’t. He declares darkness the industry standard. <br /><br />….. Ya see, we at Microsoft believe in making computing easier! What could be easier for consumers than having only ONE choice of software?!?Bhavneshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01172085069887244679noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012716941731590945.post-27799230461644545002007-07-06T12:50:00.000+05:302007-07-06T12:54:11.815+05:30Msn SayingsHate. There’s too much of it, and yet I’m the main supplier.<br /><strong>Msn Sayings</strong><br /><br />If you’re gonna be 2 faced, then at least make 1 of them pretty <br /><br />Wow, whats that smell? It smells like butt. Oh yeah, its your breath! <br /><br />Roses are red, violets are blue, fools like you, are very few!<br /><br />To catch me u gotta be fast,to find me u gotta be smart, but to be me… HA u must be kidding!<br /><br />I was about to take over the world, but I got distracted when I saw something shiny <br />Msn Sayings<br /><br />Yo mamma so stupid when her TV got stolen she ran after the robber to give him the remote!<br />Msn Sayings<br /><br />Oh No! The Electricity Is Out, We’ll Have To Watch TV By Candlelight<br />Msn Sayings<br /><br />Yo mamma so fat that she has two different timed watches on each wrist because shes in two different time zones.Bhavneshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01172085069887244679noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012716941731590945.post-90054005013736240562007-04-27T16:07:00.000+05:302007-07-06T18:14:16.937+05:30Funny Birthday Trivia<strong>Funny Birthday Trivia</strong><br /><br />The melody for the Happy Birthday song was first penned by two sisters, Mildred and Patty Hill.<br /><br />It is thought that birthday celebrations originated in the Roman Empire. And they were largely due to the prominent religion at the time, Mithraism, which was later supplanted by Christianity.<br /><br />Although you might celebrate your birthday every year, your actual birthday only occurs once every 7 years! Not counting the leap years, the date you were born on moves each year to the following day of the week. This means your annual celebration is actually for your birth date - not your birthday - and in truth your birth day i.e. the actual day you were born on occurs only every 7 years!<br /><br />Children who are on the leap day of February 29th often celebrate their birthdays on March 1st.<br /><br />Germans take birthdays very seriously, sometimes receiving a half-day of vacation. The most common gifts among friends include flowers and wine.<br /><br />In England, when you reach 80, 90 or 100 years of age, you receive a telegram from the Queen.<br /><br />In India, black and white gift wrapping is considered unlucky.<br /><br />The French and Italian celebrate Name Days more so than birthdays.<br /><br />In Korea, the two most important birthdays are the 100th day and the 60th year. <br /><br />In the Islamic world, green is a good color to use for wrapping.<br /><br />A Golden Birthday happens only once in a person's lifetime. It happens when the person's age and the date of the day they were born is the same.<br /><br />More people celebrate their birthdays in August than in any other month. The two other months in which birthday rates are high is July and September. <br /><br />Close to two billion Birthday Cards are sent each year in the U.S. alone, accounting for nearly 58 percent of all cards sent. <br /><br />The world's largest birthday cake was created in 1989 it weighed 128,238 pounds, 8 oz. and used 16,209 pounds of icing. <br /><br />The most common birth date is October 5 and the least common is May 22 in U.S.A. <br /><br />The day of the week in which the most babies are born is Tuesday while Sunday is the lowest day. <br /><br />Anne Frank's world famous diary was given to her when she was thirteen years old. <br /><br />The children’s day in India is celebrated on 14th November- the birthday of Jawahar Lal Nehru in memory of his love for children. <br /><br />The Teacher’s day in India is celebrated on 5th September-the birthday of Dr Radhakrishnan-former President of India and a great educationist. <br /><br />The Sultan of Brunei hosted the world's most expensive Birthday Party to celebrate his 50th Birthday on 13 July, 1996. The cost was a whopping US $27.2 million. Three concerts featuring Michael Jackson costs US $16 million of the total amounts. <br /><br />Paul McCartney's Birth Certificate was auctioned in March 1997, for US $84,146. It is believed to be the world's most expensive Birth Certificate. <br /><br />William Shakespeare's died on his 52nd birthday: 23 April 1616.Bhavneshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01172085069887244679noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012716941731590945.post-87634739413651648892007-04-26T23:49:00.001+05:302007-08-04T11:38:25.457+05:30The Shift key FAQ<strong>Funny Computer Jokes</strong><br /><br />The Shiftkey FAQ <br />Q: My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out? <br />A: Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers. <br /><br /><br />--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br /><br />Q: What happens if I press both shift keys? <br />A: Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you. <br /><br /><br />--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br /><br />Q: my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation <br />A: Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also consider replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with lower case expressions; replace ? with "huh" and ! with "zowie". <br /><br /><br />--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br /><br />Q: I PRESSED SHIFT AND IT"S STUCK DOWN NOW <br />A: Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation. First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a handheld blowdryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to clean the lint screen when you are finished. <br /><br /><br />--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br /><br />Q:Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys labelled "hif"? <br />A:Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your hands more frequently for that matter. <br /><br /><br />--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br /><br />Q:Are there shift keys on my Macintosh? <br />A:Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labelled with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it. <br /><br /><br />--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br /><br />Q:I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is there any other way to do this? <br />A:This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equippped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word "shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably. <br /><br /><br />--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br /><br />Q:There are two shift keys, which should I use? <br />A:Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key. <br /><br /><br />--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br /><br />Q:Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys? <br />A:They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size! <br /><br /><br />--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br /><br />Q: If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my computer explode? <br />A: No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question. <br /><br /><br />--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br /><br />Q: No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem to work. What's wrong? <br />A: Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard, the problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation of these keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path of righteousness. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life. Before rushing blindly ahead with a lot of shifting, consult the spiritual advisor of your choice for help in dealing with any unresolved issues in your relationship with the Almighty.Bhavneshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01172085069887244679noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012716941731590945.post-27408093167774513712007-04-26T23:48:00.000+05:302007-08-04T11:38:25.459+05:30The Microsoft Cafe<strong>Funny Computer Jokes</strong><br /><br />Customer: Waiter! <br /><br />Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? <br /><br />Customer: There's a fly in my soup! <br /><br />Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. <br /><br />Customer: No, it's still there. <br /><br />Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead. <br /><br />Customer: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. <br /><br />Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using? <br /><br />Customer: A SOUP bowl! <br /><br />Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up? <br /><br />Customer: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup? <br /><br />Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? <br /><br />Customer: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! <br /><br />Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day? <br /><br />Customer: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day? <br /><br />Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour. <br /><br />Customer: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now? <br /><br />Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato. <br /><br />Customer: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running late now. <br /><br />[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.] <br />Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check. <br /><br />Customer: This is potato soup. <br /><br />Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet. <br /><br />Customer: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything. <br />[Waiter leaves.] <br /><br />Customer: Waiter! Now there's a mosquito in my soup! <br /><br />The check: <br />Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $ 5.00 <br />Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $ 2.50 <br />Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $10.00 <br />Editors Note: Bug in the soup........included at no extra charge (will be fixed with Tomorrow's soup of the day)Bhavneshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01172085069887244679noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012716941731590945.post-28916374151511869702007-04-26T23:45:00.000+05:302007-08-04T11:38:25.462+05:30Computer Breasts<strong>Funny Computer Jokes</strong><br /><br />(o)(o) perfect breasts <br />( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts <br />(*)(*) high nipple breasts <br />(@)(@) big nipple breasts <br />oo A cups <br />{ O }{ O } D cups <br />()() cold breasts <br />(o)(O) lopsided breasts <br />(Q)(O) pierced breasts <br />(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts <br />(:o)(o) bitten by a vampire breasts <br />\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts <br />( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts <br />< o >< o > electric shock breasts <br />|o||o| android breasts <br />(/)(o) scratched breasts (ouch) <br />(%)(o) extra nipple breasts (like Chandler) <br />($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts <br />(^o)(o) zit on your breast <br />( o Y o ) poses for SCORE magazine breasts .Bhavneshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01172085069887244679noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6012716941731590945.post-15790982272740992302007-04-26T18:08:00.000+05:302007-08-04T11:38:25.464+05:30Email Commandments<strong>E-MAIL COMMANDMENTS</strong><br /><br />Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.<br /><br />Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.<br /><br />Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before sendest it.<br /><br />Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.<br /><br />Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.<br /><br />Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE all CAPS.<br /><br />Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.<br /><br />Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of email, especially from work.<br /><br />Thou shalt not use email for any illegal or unethical purpose.<br /><br />When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.<br /><br />And, the Golden Rule of email: <br />That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.Bhavneshhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01172085069887244679noreply@blogger.com0