10 Reasons Guys in the Bay Area Don’t Want to Date Me

1. Hard drives and USB ports don’t arouse me. I have a computer. I like my computer. Unless I’m at work or using it to do something productive, I don’t feel the need to spend my free time with it or thinking about it. You bringing over your external hard drive to hook up to my computer to show me your life on World of Warcraft is not a good date. It’s not even a date. It’s you revealing to me that you have no friends. I have friends. I expect you to have friends too.

2. I don’t drive a cool car. I know, I’m a woman, and this doesn’t matter as much as it does for men. However, in the land of BMWs, Benzes and Porsches, my 1990 Toyota Corolla that’s missing two hubcaps with a non-fuctioning CD player and busted speakers just doesn’t seem to impress my dates.

3. I listen to what you say. That means if you can’t put together a decent sentence or consistently make ignorant comments, I will hear it. A lot of you talk like no one’s ever paid attention to the verbal diarrhea spewing from your lips.

4. I’m smart. I’m not claiming to be a genius by any means. But I graduated from a good university, and I expect a certain amount of neural activity to be occurring in your head. I do notice if I’m talking and your eyes glaze over. Nodding blankly does not count as a response.

5. I don’t look like I stepped out of a magazine. Nor do I have Victoria’s Secret model proportions. Don’t get me wrong. I take pride in how I look. I match. I bathe daily. I accessorize. I even wear perfume. But I did not wake up at 5 AM today in order to get ready. Like you, I hit my alarm several times before I rolled out of bed, went straight to the shower, threw some clothes on and went to work. Do YOU want to spend an extra 30 minutes flat ironing my hair? So if I don’t look all dolled up when you first meet me, cut me some slack. I save the effort for a date.

5a. An appendix to point 5: I don’t dress like a whore. I wear a lot of jeans and t shirts/blouses. I like jackets and knit caps when it’s cold outside. I own many, many hooded sweatshirts. Very rarely is my navel exposed, and even less often are my thighs and ass cheeks saluting the world. Somehow, this signals to the heterosexual male population in the Bay that I am either prudish or must have a deformed body. Neither are true.

6. I’m blunt. And I ask direct questions. This seems to frighten a lot of you. Seriously, I’m 5′3″, 115 lbs. What could I possibly do to you?

7. When I go to the gym, I sweat. A lot sometimes. And I don’t go wearing a fucking spandex outfit. Like a normal person who is actually there to do some good for my body, I wear a t shirt and loose boxer shorts. I wear tennis shoes, my hair pulled back and no makeup. I know, it’s hard to see a girl like me beyond all the tits and ass bouncing around right in front of your face. That’s okay; I’m one of the few people not there to get a date anyway.

8. I hang out with a lot of guys. This does not mean that I am a floozy. Nor does it mean that I’m socially or sexually inept. It does mean that I will enjoy watching sports with you and drinking lots of beer over a bowl of chips though. It also means I can hang out with your friends with no problem. It does not mean that you can tackle me the way you do your 6′1″, 185 lb. friend.

9. I go to church regularly and I smoke a shitload of pot. You’d think that in the (according to some) liberal center of the United States there would be more of us. So far, I’ve found a lot of stoners and a lot of church goers; just not occupying the same body. Too bad. We’re good people.

10. I’m girly but not prissy. I like earrings. I like wearing makeup (sometimes). I like giggling. I love shoes and purses. Some bugs (e.g. cockroaches and ticks) make me squeal. I like being treated like a lady. BUT I also like that I can grill a better steak than you. I like that I put together my own furniture. I like that I enjoy walks in the rain. I like that I keep my nails extremely short so I don’t have to worry about breaking them. I like that I can probably beat you in poker. I like that when splitting a case of beer with you, I’ll have better and bigger belches than you. I like that I drip with sweat from a really good workout. I like that at the end of the day, I don’t really need you to be happy. Don’t be scurred. That’s just how it is.